Leadership and Self-Deception, Getting Out of the Box, by The Arbinger Institute uses a powerful model that is often used to support executive leadership coaching work.  The model demonstrates when we do not honor our initial sense; we betray ourselves and go in a “box.”  In the box, we lose our objectivity at how we look at ourselves and others.  From within the box, we look at others as objects, without feelings for their humanity.

For example, Jane could ask a direct report about completing a task.  From within the box, Jane might be thinking the employee is incapable of completing the task on time with the desired level of quality.   She might think, “I really can’t count on Sam to get this work done.”  Sam will sense that Jane doesn’t trust him or that he is incapable of doing the job.  Whereas, if Jane is not in the box, she might ask about the task using the same words, yet with real concern for Sam including what might be challenging him in completing the task.  Sam will feel like Jane cares about him, not just that he is an object getting a task done.  What is the difference in these two approaches?

Leadership and Self-Deception teaches that when we communicate from within the box, others experience our perceptions, even if we don’t explicitly express them.  The Arbinger Institute calls the feelings below our actions or communications, our way of being.  We can either have a heart at peace or war.  That might sound like strange language for how executives express themselves on the job, yet it makes sense.  When we are annoyed at others or “in the box” and we attempt to communicate from this view, others sense that actually we have a heart at war.  They will respond to our way of being, even when we attempt to communicate calmly and clearly.  Yet, when we have a heart at peace, we are relaxed and think objectively about what the business and the people around us need to be successful.

An executive coaching client, Johnny received very positive feedback from informal interviews from his team and stakeholders, reporting they had tremendous respect for him as a visionary and leader as he had transformed his department within the last two years.  The feedback also revealed that people felt that he put his career ambitions before the needs of the organization.  Johnny was shocked.  Yes, he was an incredibly ambitious guy.  He had confided in me that if the organization didn’t meet his career goals, he would find another opportunity.  He thought he always kept his ambition to himself and didn’t understand how people recognized his internal thoughts.

Johnny’s ambition influenced his way of being, which was beneath much of his communications.  Johnny is a very strong contributor to his organization; he was recently promoted and will be adding new staff to the team to deliver many of his visions for the work.  His coaching homework will be to focus on his mission for the work, without the intensity on his personal ambition.  This will help him shift his way of being on how he approaches the job each day.  Everyone around him will feel it.

The only way to shift to a more positive way of connecting with others is to get out of the box.   There are many good strategies – the first and most important step is to recognize we are in a box or have betrayed ourselves.

You can purchase Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute to get a better understanding of this powerful leadership model.  Plus hire a coach to help you recognize your boxes and where they might be getting in the way of your success.

We never lose going into a box; however we can build a greater self-awareness, which will limit the amount of time we spend there.  This allows us to be more present for our work and lives, and leads to greater happiness, fulfillment and results.