Susan Spritz Myers

I believe letting go of our limiting beliefs and judgments is one of the hardest things we may attempt to do in a lifetime and yet, one of the most rewarding.     

I grew up in a home where my parents had strong beliefs and judgments on many subjects and they shared them openly.  As a child, I enjoyed challenging many of them and adopted many as well.  Then in my freshman year in college while waiting for a bus, my good friend Anne said, “I think you have an opinion on almost every subject!”  I was taken aback; I assumed everyone had strong opinions.  I realized in that moment I took comfort in my opinions; particularly those that I knew were really my father’s.  Anne threw out a list of topics and I easily responded with my opinions on each one.  That was a big moment.  For the first time, I wondered if I wanted to grow up to be someone who held such intense views, particularly on subjects I really was not well informed.  I digested the observation at the time, not sure what it meant for me.   

In my late 30s, I began to study the field of professional coaching.  The goal of a good coach is to help clients observe themselves, so they can make more informed choices about their actions and goals.  A coach must be “unattached” from her clients.  This term “unattached” was another opportunity for me to recognize and release my own judgments, opinions and limiting beliefs.  My goal as the coach was to be an objective observer, letting go of what I thought might be best for the client’s needs.

I was no longer the naïve young girl from the bus stop after years of working in the business world and living on my own in a big city.  The goal of putting myself in service of a client’s needs and agenda without “attachment” was another huge leap in my own life’s maturation.  As part of my early days in coach training, we taped our client sessions and reviewed them with a coaching supervisor.  Listening to those sessions with a teacher was incredibly powerful and sometimes a challenging experience.  In fact, one day I wept as the supervisor pointed out how I was not of service to the client and I was really in the “way” of supporting the client’s goals.  That was a hard day!   

Now in my 50s, I like to think I have become a seasoned, wise woman who listens with an open mind on most days.  When the old patterns of judgmental thoughts show up, I can easily be transported back to the bus stop with my good friend and have to ask myself, “is this who I want to be?”   

I feel fortunate that I became a coach and that I am in the business of asking many what they believe.  I believe an examined life is a powerful life.  

I believe in home-cooked meals.  I love everything about a home-cooked meal.  I love going to the grocery store and I go often.  I have a ton of cookbooks; so many that I have divided them into active and inactive ones.  My favorite part of a home-cooked meal is the actual prepping and cooking.  I find preparing an evening meal a calming, spiritual activity.  All seems right with me and the world when I am pulling together a meal for my family or a fancier meal for company.

I did not learn to cook from my Mother. I taught myself to cook as a young woman in my own kitchen.  I did not marry and have kids until I was 40, so I spent many of my single weekends experimenting with different kinds of food and recipes.  I had a fast-paced career, so the quiet weekends of cooking helped keep my sanity.

Now in my mid-50s, I have a family and I believe in cooking healthy meals, enjoying the time we spend in the kitchen and the conversations we share over meals.  I like to joke that I am running a restaurant; often when the four of us sit down, everyone has different things on their plates.

My husband has had a recent health scare with malignant skin cancer, so he follows a vegan diet with some fish.  At a very young age, my son declared himself a carnivore and he loves to try new and different types of food.  My daughter has a classic child’s narrow palate; she wants simple, non-spiced meals with lots of noodles and cheese.  I eat somewhere in between my husband and son’s diets, although I am often counting Weight Watchers’ points with the goal of losing weight.

At first when my husband dramatically changed his diet, to ensure the skin cancer did not spread, I was not wild about cooking to please so many different culinary needs.  Then I realized how serious the cancer threat was – I needed to support him and find a way to embrace, even delight in making a variety of dishes each day.    

I spend fast-paced days working as an executive coach.  I often feel overwhelmed by the amount of email and information on which I need to keep up-to-date between my work and home life. Yet at the end of most days, when I step into my kitchen, put on my apron and start prepping a meal; a calm feeling comes over me. I feel like I can slow life down to a reasonable pace for a few hours, while I cook and enjoy a good meal with my family.   

I believe a healthy, home-cooked meal provides a feeling of calm and nurturing for everyone at the table. 

Do you know who you are really at your core? Much has been  written about being your authentic self. What that means is to know yourself from the inside outside out. I often ask clients, who are you, really? For many, it is a very challenging question. Often the answer is a list of roles: parent, spouse, or businessperson. Look deeper. Notice when you are most excited and thrilled by your life, what are you doing? Who are you being? What truly moves you? When do you notice you make a difference?  

Who am I? I am most happy when I get to be a true observer of people and then connect deeply with individuals from my observations. Yes, I am a wife, mother and coach. However, I feel most on  purpose and alive when I show up for all my roles as an observer and a connecter.  

So, I invite you to begin noticing yourself. Who are you, really? How much more thrilling could your life be when you align your roles with your true self? Invite your friends and family to begin the conversation, who are you really? 

How often have you faced a tough situation and said, “Why me?”  “Why” usually leads to analysis and possible self pity.  “How” has the power to move us forward.  Notice the difference:  “Why did this happen to me?” versus “How can I handle this challenge?”  Solutions begin to appear magically.  This simple change in your internal self-talk can produce quick and tremendous results.

 I wrote these words as part of a newsletter article in the winter of 2002.  At the time, I did not realize how important they would become to my own mental health mental and survival. 

In the last eighteen months; I have lost my mother after years of long illness, my husband has been dealing with a serious case of melanoma, we moved my Dad into an assisted living apartment and his health is slipping.  I have two elementary aged kids and have my own business as a coach and consultant.  My days are busy and often it feels like I move from my parent’s, husband’s and kid’s need before I get to think about what I need to do each day.

Almost every day, I encourage myself to ask, “how can I handle all that is on my plate?”  The answer that has become increasingly clear to me comes from the wise counsel of AA, “one day at time.”  ”What is on the plate for today?  Handle that and tomorrow you will think about what is next.”  I find breaking my action or thoughts into what I can do today, helps me not succumb to the tremendous overwhelm that could take me over at any time.  

For years I have heard the counsel that we should live in the present.  The wisdom suggested that thinking about the past or the future does not serve us.  The only thing we can manage is this moment.  It used to seem like good counsel, yet I am sure I really understood it’s magnificent power before I stepped into this challenging chapter.  Being present has been so helpful and calming.

I look forward to calmer days when my biggest question will be what should I wear, where do the kids need to be and what will I make for dinner? 

So, I come back to the original question, give yourself a moment to feel your emotions when tough stuff happens.  Give yourself some moments of “Why me”?  Then get yourself to, “How can I handle this?” 

Please share your stories on these key questions.